Let’s continue exploring common autistic traits / tendencies in women! In this third post of a four part series, I will delve into my personal traits and experiences revolving around Rudy Simone’s “List of Common Autistic Traits in Women.” There are four columns in her chart, and we’ll be discussing the third column today: emotional and physical. If you would like to read the first two posts of this series, here are the links (these don’t need to be read in order):
- Common Autistic Traits in Women (Part 1: Appearance & Personal Habits)
- Common Autistic Traits in Women (Part 2: Intellect, Education & Vocation)
Disclaimer #1: These traits are not only found in women. While they are most commonly found in autistic women, they can also be found in autistic men. If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.
Disclaimer #2: These are not “official” autistic traits. In Rudy Simone’s book “Aspergirls: Empowering Females with Asperger Syndrome”, she illustrates common traits/tendencies found in autistic women. If you relate to these traits, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re autistic; if you don’t relate to these traits, that doesn’t mean you are not autistic. Autism is a spectrum. These traits are intended to give you a better idea of whether or not you might be autistic, but they cannot be used to diagnose you with autism.
Below is a graph I found extremely helpful when understanding what autism often looks like in women. Created by Rudy Simone and adapted by Taylor Heaton, this chart illustrates many of the unique preferences and traits on the more feminine side of the spectrum.
Below is a graph I found extremely helpful when understanding what autism often looks like in women. Created by Rudy Simone and adapted by Taylor Heaton, this chart illustrates many of the unique preferences and traits on the more feminine side of the spectrum.
Emotional & Physical Traits
Emotionally Immature or Sensitive
There are different types of emotional immaturity. It will look different depending on the person. Some common examples include:
- Difficulty regulating, processing, or expressing emotions
- A lack of self-awareness
- Poor impulse control
But it can also look like:
- Not setting or respecting boundaries
- Keeping emotions tightly sealed and avoiding vulnerability
- A lack of empathy or narcissism
A person can have difficulty in one of these areas, but not the others, so labeling someone “emotionally immature” would be inaccurate in that case. To some degree, I think almost everyone can relate with one of these types of emotional immaturity. The kind that I experience as an autistic person comes from autistic rage, which is, in and of itself, difficulty regulating and processing emotions, causing an explosion of anger when triggered. I’ll give an example of what that can look like later in this post.
Frequent Anxiety and/or Fear
This one didn’t really apply until I was older, but I had to be pulled out of college due to debilitating anxiety and autistic burnout in 2021. Getting pulled out of school is a common experience for autistic people, and it completely changed the trajectory of my life. Since then, anxiety has been somewhat of a consistent struggle, though I haven’t been crippled by it since. I attribute my recovery to the support of my family and husband, which is why I am of the belief that most (if not all) of the frequent co-occurring conditions autistic people endure can be resolved if they simply had a proper support system.
Autistic people don’t just come with a side of anxiety. They often develop co-occurring conditions simply because they aren’t properly understood or supported. They are often bullied, rejected, or belittled if they express their needs, so their needs go unmet. Is it any wonder that they develop anxiety or depression (etc.) later on in life?
More Open to Discussing Feelings Than ASD Males
I think a lot of people in this day and age still expect autism to look like the traditional monotone, more emotionally distant male presentation. When, in reality, it can also look like the complete opposite: Intensely expressive and very social when comfortable. Being autistic doesn’t automatically mean you don’t want to talk to people. Autistic women, specifically, usually have a stronger drive for social connection than autistic men (though that isn’t always the case).
I struggle to make small talk and navigate the shallower conversations that come with early friendships. I have always preferred cutting right through the BS and talking about the things that actually matter. “How are you really?” is one of my favorite questions. However, it’s safer for relationships to take their time to get to that point of emotional vulnerability. Deciding when a relationship is at the point where sharing deeper things is a safe and good thing can be challenging for autistic people. We can either share too much too fast or completely clam up and share nothing. I’ve been on both sides of this equation, and I still haven’t figured out how to solve it.
Strong Sensory Issues / Prone to Overwhelm
I absolutely have sensory issues, but overwhelm for me doesn’t look like the traditional meltdown or even shutdown. For me, it either appears through brainfog, tears, anxiety, or autistic rage. It all depends on how intense the trigger is.
Let me give you a few examples:
- Scenario #1 – Brain Fog: I need a few groceries. As soon as I walk in the store, I’m blinded by the light. Every color of the rainbow screams for my attention. It’s crowded with people, all in a hurry to grab what they need and leave. I’m navigating the intensely bright lights that everyone else can easily filter out while trying to find the exact product I need in a sea of neon hues. Then I have to avoid any social faux paus with passing shoppers and politely communicate with the cashier and bagger. While shopping, I have trouble remembering everything on my list or where I parked because my brain is so busy keeping track of everything else. After I get in my car and the stimulation has died down, I feel strangely exhausted and fuzzy in the brain. It’s like the world has a glaze on it.
- Scenario #2 – Tears: I am at the gun range watching my husband practice his aim. Gunshots go off sporadically—extremely loud, unpredictable—and my ear protection is not enough. I start to feel anxious. Can’t think straight. Can’t stop trying to anticipate and absorb the sound of the gunshot so no one knows how badly it stresses me out. I can’t, and I don’t know how to escape. I start to cry.
- Scenario #3 – Anxiety: It’s in the middle of the night at a hotel, and I’m fast asleep. The fire alarm goes off. I shoot out of bed, pull on some clothes, and hurry my family out of the room. Turns out, someone left popcorn unattended in a microwave at 2:00 o’clock in the morning. Besides some smoke, everything is fine. Everyone goes back to their rooms. My family falls asleep, but I’m left tossing and turning because my brain is still stuck processing the noise of the fire alarm and the adrenaline of the situation.
Prone to Depression
I have struggled with situational depression before, but the only note I’d make is that my depressive seasons have lasted longer than probably some neurotypical people. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m autistic, though—just something I’ve observed.
Rudy further elaborates on this point, saying that autistic women may have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive instead of ASD. This is once again related to what I mentioned previously about anxiety. Without proper support, autistic people will crumble—whether they become anxious, depressed, both, or something else entirely.
Sensitive to Medication & Anything She Puts in / on Her Body
Oh my gosh, even some of the beauty products designed for sensitive people don’t agree with me. Like, of course I’d be a part of the 1-5% of people whose skin is sensitive to baking soda, because that’s just how extra my body is.
Gastrointestinal Issues
Piggybacking off of being sensitive to things I put on my body, I am also sensitive to things I put in my body. Autistic people, in general, are more susceptible to gastrointestinal issues. There are a lot of contributing factors to this. An autistic person’s food sensitivities might limit the types of foods they consume, negatively impacting their gut microbiome diversity and potentially leading to nutritional gaps. Stress also plays an important role in gut mobility. Since autistic people tend to have heightened stress responses or anxiety, their gut-brain axis might be disrupted, leading to slow gut motility and inflammation.
This subject is honestly a little touchy right now, because I’ve been dealing with chronic health issues for over a year now, and they are all related to the gut and nervous system. Needless to say, I have some experience in this area. Maybe when I’m finally out of it, I will make a video about the link between autistic people and gastrointestinal issues, but I’ll leave it at this for now.
Stims to Soothe When Agitated
One of the very first stims I can remember was sucking my thumb. While that is very common in children, I kept doing it for years. It got to the point where I had a little bump on the knuckle of my thumb from sucking it all the time. My family encouraged me to stop, and it was really difficult. When I finally did, I started an even worse habit to stim: picking my lips.
I’ve always had a difficult time not picking things. One time, a tiny piece of paint on the back of my bathroom door had peeled off, and eventually, I couldn’t help peeling more and more off until the door looked like it had been mauled. I also remember pouring craft glue all over my hands, letting it dry, and then enjoying picking it off my skin. To this day, picking my lips is my main stim. Despite my best efforts to stop, it remains the most effective way I can self-soothe when stressed or agitated.
Prone to Temper or Crying Meltdowns in Public
I’ve never had a meltdown, and I used to think that I couldn’t be autistic because of that, but that was before I learned about autistic rage. I experience autistic rage frequently. It is an intense emotional outburst an autistic person can experience when they are overwhelmed or triggered. Remember when I was going over possible reactions to overwhelm? Let me give you a scenario for autistic rage:
- Autistic Rage: I am taking a walk with my family in summer. The sun is out and there is no wind. I feel like I’m in an oven. Sweat covers every inch of my body—sticky, wet, hot. I express discomfort multiple times, though the heat doesn’t seem to be bothering anyone else. My body feels like it’s on fire and there’s no escape from the sensation of being wet. Anger burns through me as hot as the sun, and I storm ahead of everyone else, unable to calm down until I’ve showered and dried off.
Physical When Happy
Physically expressing joy seems to boggle the mind of neurotypicals—to the point where happy stimming is often the subject of ridicule and mockery. And to them, I would ask: What exactly is wrong with expressing joy physically? What’s wrong with flapping your hands in excitement or jumping up and down when you’re happy?
While I’ve never been a big hand flapper myself, I am very expressive with my face, especially when I’m happy. When my husband came into my life and made me feel accepted in a way I’d never experienced, I started wiggling when I was happy. Yes, wiggling, like a dog wagging its tail. Don’t ask me why. It only happens when I’m overcome with excitement.
Physically expressing joy isn’t wrong; it’s just unique. So to all my autistic mushrooms who like to physically express your joy, you happy flap or jump or wiggle your way to happiness.
Hates Injustice & Being Misunderstood (Can Incite Anger)
Me to a T. Being misunderstood is actually the main trigger of autistic rage for me. I’ll be having a normal conversation with my family. Then my tone is interpreted wrong, or I don’t understand something someone said, and it needs to be re-explained. Or maybe, someone will push and push me when they are not understanding what I’m saying, and no matter how many times I explain myself, they don’t get it. Autistic rage can take me from having a pleasant conversation with my family to storming off to another floor of the house to cry in a matter of minutes.
Prone to Mutism When Stressed
For those of you who don’t know, mutism is defined as the inability to communicate through speech. Selective mutism, on the other hand, is a condition where a person, usually a child, is unable to speak in certain social situations, even though they are capable of doing so. A lot of autistic people experience selective mutism.
It’s a very bizarre, and frankly, embarrassing thing to experience as a high masker. There have only been a few times as a late teen where someone directly spoke to me, and I couldn’t say a word. More often than not though, I experience selective mutism in group conversations with peers. It’s more than just social anxiety. I’ll have something to say, but I literally can’t get it out—like there’s a physical block in my throat. I can’t find the right time to interject my thoughts, or the right words to express my thoughts, or I’m simply frozen. Then the subject changes, and my words are swallowed.
May Have Unique Voice Quality or Speak in Monotone
I definitely don’t speak in monotone, but I’ve been told by several people that I have a unique quality to my voice. I’m not sure how I would describe it though, since I can’t hear it myself.
Final Thoughts
And that wraps up the third column of common autistic traits in women: emotional and physical. How many of the traits did you relate with?
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